To Build an Engaged Workforce, Start with Thriving Relationships

There is a simple explanation for the hundreds of relationships that define our lives: we cannot make it alone. The occasional successful hermit notwithstanding, our ancestors discovered long ago that we had no chance of success without the help of others.

We marry, cohabitate, join clubs, play team sports, work in teams, (generally) enjoy our family and friends, and so forth. Given the centrality of relationships to our lives, it’s odd that we spend so much time talking about things like employee engagement and commitment, and so little time understanding its source in thriving relationships within our organizations.

How to Build a Thriving Relationship – is not part of our training as people or leaders. And before you “what about…?” and throw a bunch of team building course citations at me, let me say this: they are not the same thing, and while the former is a path to commitment and engagement it falls short of providing the continuity needed to build relationships. Jut one close connection can transform our experience of work. As we share in the infographic below, just one close connection increases the odds of engagement to over half, but the odds of engagement are near zero without any connection.

Declining focus on relationships at work and engagement

Given that we spend up to a third of our lives at work, a lack of social connections limits not only our well-being and organizational culture—it impacts the bottom line.

What’s more, when we look at our sense of connection overall the majority of us feel left out or isolated, and more than two-thirds of us struggle to sustain enthusiasm for our employer.

Naturally, this floods into the workplace. A recent study on loneliness and found that over one in three people reported feeling a general sense of emptiness (35%) or disconnection from others (37%) when they are at work; while nearly 40 percent felt the need to hide their true self when working alongside their peers.

Some of this comes back to us not prioritizing connection and minimizing the importance of meaningful relationships at work. Researchers chatted with nearly a hundred employees, most of whom were practically married to their pursuit of workplace excellence. They discovered that a particular group—those juggling young kids and the role of primary caregiver or tag-teaming with their spouse—were perpetually racing against the clock. Shocking, right? Said no parent ever.

But here's the kicker: besides the usual time-wrangling tricks like scheduling, this group applied intense multi-tasking and strategy to navigating their social interactions at work. So, what clever tactics did these parental pros employ to lighten the load of workplace relationships?

• They avoided conversations and interactions by declining invitations to lunch, not going to departmental social events, and making a point not to initiate casual conversations.
• They even hid from coworkers by opting to work at home for that purpose or avoiding optional meetings.

• They cleverly orchestrated their meetings like a game of Tetris, stacking them back-to-back so they could gracefully exit one by claiming they had to dash off to chat with someone else (because saying, “I’m done talking now,” doesn't support).

• They redirected conversations in meetings from non-work activities to the tasks at hand.

Now, many of us who aren't parents of school aged kiddos may admit to frequently using these techniques, if we're honest. We have other priorities, deadlines, and goals. We've talked about more of the workforce seeking a 'dumb job' and ruthlessly redlining any contribution that's deemed unnecessary.

Unfortunately, they come at a cost. The parent-employees in this study reported a lack of belonging and connection with their teams and below average employee engagement - and intentions to stay.  Close bonds and thriving relationships at work are also linked to greater innovation and efficiency. 

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Sustaining at least two meaningful and supportive relationships with colleagues at work strengthens our capacity not only for productive work, but our resilience, well-being, including mental health, and overall engagement. Unfortunately just two in ten of us have a 'work best friend.' We're more likely to confidently refer others to our organization, and stay with our employer long-term, when we have a close supportive connection with at least one other person. 

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

The number and character of our relationships is the secret sauce for our culture. By creating new and innovative ways to nurture friendship at work we can environments where people feel confident, competent, and know they belong.

While we might be guilty of stacking our meetings or taking a shortcut to save time at the expense of connecting, most of us crave additional connection at work. 

• The overwhelming majority of us believe it's important for our organizations to facilitate interactions to foster friendships at work (84%).
• Nearly as many of us gauge the social and relationship climate when choosing our next employer (81%).
• About the same number of employees say that thriving relationships at work is a factor they consider when deciding whether to stay at their current job (83%).
• More than half of us (54%) are limited by our finances and the economy from building professional connections and friendships at work as much as we would like - making the role of our employer all the more important.

What makes thriving relationships a key driver of engagement?

We know the absence of connection and friendship hurts engagement, but what are the rewards? Why do relationships make such a positive difference?

Think about the people and relationships in your life, whether family, coworkers, or friends. They bring joy and support to your life and probably make you a stronger person. We use the word thriving for relationships that make us stronger. Because of a thriving connection -

• you accomplish more than you thought possible,
• gain positive energy and enthusiasm,
• and are more committed to supporting and helping others.

You probably agree that thriving relationships are one of the most energizing of all the good things we experience, and something that we all crave - both at work and beyond.

So, why don’t we spend more time understanding the conditions that spark thriving relationships? What can organizations do, realistically, to spark and forge these ties? If we can master that we have a recipe for success. As Leo Tolstoy noted in Anna Karenina, “All happy families are alike; but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” That’s true of thriving relationships too. What are the universal qualities we can master to create to build relationships that support us, and within the workplace, support well-being, engagement, and achieving great things together? While Tolstoy leaves us largely in the dark as to what makes a happy family as such, science (and our own experience) tells us there's a rhythm to thriving relationships that we can measure and reproduce. Let's explore that common thread of what makes up the relationships we all want to have in our lives, whether at work or beyond.

Thriving Relationships: Recipes for Employee Commitment and Engagement

There are five key ingredients to thriving relationships. Whether it's our best friend from childhood, our spouse, or our ride-or-die at work, you'll struggle not to find these five qualities in any relationship you cherish and nurtures you. What we're missing is a focus on building an environment where these qualities can flourish supporting the thriving relationships we need.

A thriving relationship allows us to share our true feelings and opinions without fear that such transparency will end the relationship. This means that we sometimes must let some things that bug us slide. The benefits of the five characteristics seem so obvious that they beg the question of why so many relationships go south, and never achieve the relational nirvana of thriving. 

Maximizing the science of building and sustaining relationships may be particularly fruitful in improving the most powerful relationship we have at work: that with our immediate leader or supervisor.

When researchers examine lagging employee engagement empirically, the majority of our discontent, and decision to leave an employer, comes from a disappointing relationship with our supervisor. Leaders often look back at these failed relationships unsure of how the outcome could have been different. Even with our peers we are often struck with regret expressed by “shoulda-coulda” and the sadness of “If only…”

So, in our own day-to-day, and at a macro-level within our teams, how can we build an employee experience so the qualities that grow thriving relationships are nurtured? Let's walk through the recipe in practice.

Cornerstones for Building Relationships and Driving Employee Engagement

Thriving relationships grow from a shared sense of purpose, trust, and positivity. So, why are we so bad at building something that can take us from surviving to thriving? How can we get better? A long time ago, we read something by Willard Gaylin, M.D., where he mentioned in passing that the cornerstones (our word, not his) of human relationships boiled down to respect, understanding, caring, and fairness. This is a profound insight and one we can't argue and bring that into how we measure and grow relationships.

As a test of their importance to building thriving relationships, think back to a relationship that you were in that went south. Picture it, and then ask yourself why it went bad and your answers will almost inevitably include one or more of the cornerstones: “I felt disrespected.” “I felt misunderstood.” “He or she did not care about me.” “Things were so out of balance that it was unfair to me.” We have tried this question dozens of times with different audiences and have yet to have anyone come up with another explanation that did not nicely fit into one of the four cornerstones.

That raises the real question of what it means to treat someone with respect, to be understanding and caring, or to be fair. My take on the meaning of each of the cornerstones is captured below.

When you think about the meaning of the cornerstones, it’s easy to see how they could result in a thriving relationship. And even easier to see how thriving relationships are absolutely essential for important things like a partnership or friendship and committed employees. Put them in the context of your most important relationships at work or with your friends and family and ask what can be done to strengthen them. One of the things that has occurred as we look back on relationships is that any opportunity for improvement ties back to accepting responsibility to strengthen one or more of the cornerstones. In addition,  we would add another ingredient to the mix – it does not reach the level of being a cornerstone – it’s more like fairy dust. That ingredient is fun. Fun energizes a relationship, including one that is already thriving.

Wish your culture could spread as easily as the latest bug going around? Let's talk about how we can make kindness contagious - and good for business.

This article, written by our founder, Tom DeCotiis in 2019, was updated by the Corvirtus Team in January, 2025.

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